Over the last six months deep inner and outer processes had been going on, the content side of which are not “bloggable”. On the energetic side it was a time of a multi-dimensional crisis, where the central theme was encountering experiences of refusing and being refused. During the process, while trying to observe and understand it, I came into contact with analogous situations in other persons, where pain was linked with inner blockages through experiences of refusal or non-acceptance. It seems that the experience of refusal creates inner dams, wounds, that normally you don’t dare to touch. You do inner “workarounds”, expressing in subtle fears and, on the outer side, behavioural imbalances.
The relations to other people reflect the imbalances, and it seems you attract “karmic pattern states” by way of resonance. The strange thing I observed is that this is mostly accompanied by veils in the mind, unclarities and blind spots. You try not to see the wounds inside, not to touch the “dark side of the moon”. But you put up defence walls and argumentative justifications, stings which hurt others. You have been harmed, and now you harm others with your harsh words and reactions – often below conscious perception of what kind of harm you are causing.
In the process of opening to the pain I had a “catalyst” experience of love triggered by encounters, breaking up the shells of rejection. The related pain structures were shaking to the core of individual existence, reflecting on the outer in witnessing turbulences.
An image – not a symbol, but an energetic experience – of an unfolding lotus accompanied me: The wisdom teachings describe the 12-petaled egoic lotus, the energetic structure of our “I Am”. The lotus consists of 4 layers of 3 petals each, at the centre of which there is a radiant spot of light, the core of our “I Am”. The petals are veiling the core, as long as the unfoldment hasn’t yet taken place. Like with the flowering of a lotus, the outer petals open first, and later the inner ones. The more the petals are closed, the more the energy flowing in through the “I Am”-core is being blocked by subtle dams, being coloured and deformed. Most people are not aware that these “block structures” are the causes of behavioural imbalances and instabilities on the more outer sides.
It seems the petals get opened when love breaks a way through the dams of the inner blockages. By consciously going into the experience of the deep pain without trying to make anything seem better than it is or hiding so-called “negative” emotions, you get in touch with the hidden sides, and you can integrate them consciously. The awareness touches and releases them.
Photo of a friend
In a seminar on “Agni” (1991) our spiritual teacher Dr. Parvathi Kumar described this egoic lotus with the following words (unpublished, extracts):
“You have for instance this light here. It also has five petals representing the mind. Suppose, we have these five petals made up of iron. And they close further. Even if there is light inside, there is no chance of feeling the light. Suppose, we have these petals made up of transparent glass, then the light shines forth better through the petals. So, with what material these petals are made decides what kind of illumination we carry. The illumination or lack of illumination depends upon the encasing, but not upon the light within. If the encasing is transparent, the light shines forth. And if the encasing is very gross and very thick with material, the light remains very much in the same vibration, but is not useful for being spread. But nevertheless, the light remains. …
Now let us understand how these nine petals gradually unfold. You must have all seen the beautiful twelve petaled-lotus which is propagated by the Arcane School. If we have a poster like that, it is useful to explain instead of my drawing a lotus of nine petals, because it is a beautiful representation.
Extract of the poster of the Arcane School (c)
Understand that the nine petals are the three triangles. Three petals make one layer. You can visualize the lotus as it is distributed by Arcane School. You would see three most exterior petals, and then, there is another triangle of three petals interior to the first one. The first triangle has three petals, over which the second triangle of three petals is imposed. Over that, there is another triangle of three petals. These are the nine petals of the three triangles. Over that, there is the fourth triangle of three petals. And in the centre of it, there is the bud. It is a small ball-like appearance. So, each triangular layer of petals carries energies relating to each kingdom.
Let us take one triangle for example. One petal is called the petal of love, and the 2nd petal is the petal of sacrifice and the third petal is the petal of knowledge. Like this, there are three triangles superimposed one over the other. Those are the nine petals of the Egoic Lotus, and each triangle has its own understanding of love, sacrifice and knowledge….
Where from the light is emitting? From the centre of the egoic lotus, and that is what the Master calls ‘the jewel of the lotus’. It is called ‘the gem of the lotus’ which shines forth. We have to know that the gem is not a physical gem over there. It is a gem-like formation of the waves of light. That means the light waves in a gem-like form, and hence it can pierce through any matter. And then the formation through light waves of the gem has its own source again. Who has kept it there? Who has prepared this light inside? Did you ever imagine that it is given by some other functioning? If we say that in the egoic lotus, in the centre of the lotus, there is a brilliant gem, we take it for granted. But who has prepared it and how it has come to stay in the centre of the lotus? It is not like the light in this lotus-like lamp. It is objectively kept here. The light in the heart lotus is different. It stamps from a root. It is a glow which is within the stalk of this form. Suppose, we keep a very powerful tube-light inside this tube, and the tube is not projecting beyond this stalk. It goes only up to this point, but it is brilliantly glowing inside. Then, if you see in the centre of the lotus, you find that there is some brilliant light in the hole. It is not some kind of settlement of light on the periphery of the hole, it is very useful that we have this instrument here to explain.
Like that, from a source, there is the focusing of light through the centre of the egoic lotus. That is what is appearing as the triangular flame through the three petals. So, that is what is described in the scriptures as ‘the electrical blue light’. (Now follow some Sanskrit words.) It says: “In the centre of the flame, there is a rice-grain-like formation of electric blue light. And on the top of the rice grain, there is such minutest spot-light which is so brilliant that, if we see, our eyes will grow blind. And it is that which is called ‘the three-fold fire’, which manifests as fire by friction, solar fire and as the electric fire.”
Photo of the sculpture of a friend showing the egoic lotus, in the house of Sri Kumar
