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Inner Processes

On a friend‘s suggestion I wrote down these experiences; she said, others might learn from them. So I give them free by way of publishing, since these seem to me to be archetypal and not “personal” experiences.

In the depth of the personality are hidden wounds, causing pain and fear. In the process I went through during the last weeks I encountered deep hurts which had accumulated over many years, going back to the foundations of my material existence. These fears had been there lying dormant, well hidden below mental barriers clothed in concepts and self-justifications. The barriers had caused strong walls, protecting from the abyss of fears, but at the same time blocking me from the influx of light and fresh air of the subtle realms.

In needed a fiery crisis for breaking up some of the walls, and beforehand a deep, long-lasting process of grinding in my relationships. The grinding had caused some kind of suppuration process, but not the purifying outbreak. Unconsciously for me, it was also supported by a long homoeopathic treatment I am undergoing. At our last meeting the homeopath told me that the signature of the remedy he gave me was marked by sudden outbreaks.

The fiery crisis came in the aftermath of witnessing and accompanying another person’s crisis. It had a catalyst function, which was in the beginning not easy for me to understand and to separate my part from the seemingly “other” part, subtly, however, linked by karmic ties.

With the help of my wife and another woman, not physically, but only present in the subtle, giving support and creating a space, where the inner events could happen, I entered into a series of long visualization journeys into the depth of layers of consciousness, each journey lasting for about one hour. During the entire process I was describing my experiences in all details to my wife, who listened to them, thus following and observing the development. My wife had proposed to go into the depths of psychic pain. We had been talking several times about past wounds, where I had caused and experienced hurts that are partly very long times back, partly, however, of a very recent date. The deep plutonic subject of culprit and victim, the yin and yang poles.

In the beginning I was a bit sceptical about these journeys. I always had thought that the inner blockages, which over a long time I even did not realize, could be overcome best by meditation and prayer, which I’ve been doing regularly for several decades, but not by going consciously into re-experiencing the blockages and the related feelings. I doubted about the healing impact of this kind of work. However, it seemed that by meditation alone I could not get into the core of the wounds and release the related pain.

I am not a “psychic”, but have a “down to earth” approach to spirituality and inner experiences. However, since the psychic pains of the crisis continued without losing their strength, I was ready to go on this “inner journey work”.

During the weeks of the climax of the crisis there was a constant pressure and tension around the area of the solar plexus, like a heavy block of concrete.
Before or journeys, we invoked the presence of the Master and a stabilizing triangular structure of blue light, linking the hearts and minds of the persons involved, visualizing the energy of the Master above the triangle, which thus became a triangular pyramid, holding stable the energy. From that part of the visualization I went down into the area of the solar plexus, entering into the sensations of violent pains and tensions.

We did this for 8 days, each time before or after evening prayer/meditation. Every journey was distinctly different from the experiences of the other journeys, taking surprising turns, bringing other pictures and energy qualities – but all of the sessions ended in giving relief to a certain layer of fear and pain.
In these experiences the knowledge I have from the wisdom teachings was of utmost importance for orientation and for the progress of the process, particularly the book “Music of the Soul” by Master EK (Dr. Ekkirala Krishnamacharya) (the “Lokayata-experience”) and the book “Hercules. The Man and the Symbol”, by Master KPK (Dr. K. Parvathi Kumar) (particularly the works of Hercules in Virgo, Scorpio and Aquarius).

On the first two journeys I encountered layers of great suffocating darkness in the centre of which there was something like an onyx-coloured, egg-shaped black stone formed by impenetrable fear, around which there were layers of black turbulences, through which I went on the way to the stone. When reaching the stone, I could not dissolve it visually, but buried it into the ground, the earth, for “maturation”. The next day it dissolved into powder dissipating into space. At the end of the journey I experienced a lift-up through the spine by a light, upward-drifting air into the area of the head. It was a very soothing experience of lightness and purification.

The next two, three journeys I encountered oceans of black, stinking waters in a Hades-like surrounding, at the areas of the solar plexus and the spleen centre (Manipuraka and Swadhishtana chakra). They seemed to drown me, they were nourishing a root-meshwork in the solar plexus, living from fear and pain. It was an experience which was so intense that partly I could nearly not continue the visualization journey, for intense tears were coming up, but with the help of my wife and the stabilizing energy of the light structure I continued, and then the waters seemed to be suck away, absorbed into space. It reminded me of the Puranic story of Rishi Agastya drinking an ocean of poison.

In the next journey I encountered a violent ravaging fire in the area of the solar plexus, burning my inside and giving physical pain at the outer sides of the diaphragm. It was like fire having leaked out of the tube of the spine, and in the following visualization the fire was gathered repeatedly with a bluish, conically formed matter, to bring the fire back into the vertebral column, from where it had leaked, and the spine was being isolated and fixed by a dark-bluish mantle. Not all of the fire could be extinguished, the experience ended with perceiving a burned field like after a huge forest fire.

I went down below the field of burned ashes, back into the hall (space) where the black waters had been– it was all empty and burned. Again I went deeper down, to the area at the end of the spine, where again a space opened up with a field of a lava-like ground. From there the ashes seemed to dissolve, but not totally. I felt a certain relief. I went up to the area of the heart centre, stayed there for a while, connecting with the structure of light, thanking the persons who had helped facilitating the experience and came out.

I felt fatigued and asked myself how long this work would continue, for it was very intense and emotionally exhausting. During the eight days I went through the experiences I was continuing my normal daily routine with work at the office etc, though feeling shaky.

The next day, last Saturday, we began again visualizing the triangular structure, the persons involved and the presence of the master, supporting and enabling the process. I went inside, into the space around the solar plexus. There was a feeling of a void, after the ravaging fire of the last day. It was cold, everything extinguished, like in an extinguished crater. No life, no sign of fresh sprouting, but also no more pain or wounds. Deeper and deeper I went until I touched the ground in the great hall at the level of the base centre. There too, it seemed to be all cold, dark and without any sign of life. Remembering the scene of Lokayata with Krishna in the hall at the base centre, in the book “Music of the Soul”, I thought of Krishna, whose name also means black, but as the background of existence. Doing so I suddenly experienced a tremendous widening into space, leaving me with no orientation of up and down, no notion of any limitations, but of a vast, living expanse of space I called “universe”. It was a silent, very blissful experience, where I stayed for a while, full of gratitude.

All my hurts and wounds, all my feelings of emptiness and limitations were gone. Thinking of the body, the personality, gave me a picture of something like an illusion of negative, limited space, real and not real at the same time. The body was near and at the same time not linked to me. Nevertheless I went back into that field being “my body”, localized me consciously there, expressed my deep thanks and came out after a while. I felt like being newly born, integrated again into the flow of life. This experience is now a week back. There was no more “backlash” of the “dark side of the moon”, as I called it. I was “back to normal”, but relieved of a heavy load of the past.

Silk painting, October 1984

One Response to “Inner Processes”

  1. v Says:

    This is a very interesting post. Reliving past bad experiences has a bad reputation among psychologists. But I think it might be suitable for some cases or for everyone, but needs a lot of groundwork. You might want to check out the work of Roberto Assagioli & Psycho-synthesis.

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